Today's Humor: Dog...Owl...Bill...Pill

Pet Owner:  "Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner."

Veterinarian:  "That's perfectly normal; he is a boxer."

A wise old owl sat on an oak, the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard.

There is a pill for every ill, and a bill for every pill.

The rich invest; the smart investigate.

If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it feel better?

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Have a great day everyone!

Coffee News, Wylie Edition Jan. 2012

Weekly Humor: Weights

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: House Shopping

A mah had run to the store with his daughters, daughter #1 (4) and daughter #2 (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit daughter #1 asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?"

The daddy said he was looking at the houses that were for sale.

Daughter #1 asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?"

Dad replied "Maybe."

Then she said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!"

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Visiting the Zoo

Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, "Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,

"Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts." 

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: The Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a "Truck Wedgie."

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"

The gutsy truck driver said, "No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: New Number

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers. When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.

"I have had mine for twenty years," she pleaded. "Couldn't you change yours?"

The company refused, so she said, "Fine. From now on, I am going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full."

The company got a new number the next day.

Thanks Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Signs You're "All Grown-Up Now"

-- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

-- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

-- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

-- You watch the Weather Channel.

-- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

-- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

-- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

-- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

-- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

-- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

-- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

-- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

-- Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.

-- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

-- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

-- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

-- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

-- You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life.

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: During A Lesson

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.

"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher

"A teacher!"

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I love my teachers.

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Drawing

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

"They will in a minute."

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Thought I Was, But I am Not

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I am Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I am Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Online Games

Be amused :)

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As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Pasta Diet

Italian Pasta Diet

It Really Works!

1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: New TV

Just something to tickle your funny bones :)

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A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

Thanks to Arcamax.com

On The Lighter Side #9: Color In Your Cheeks

What is the difference between inventory and money?
- Money is the stuff you can get rid of.

A husband is someone who is under the impression that he "bosses" the house, when in reality, he "houses" the boss.

Middle age is when narrow waist and the broad mind begin to change places.

Mother: "Eat your spinach. It will put color in your cheeks."
Son: "Who wants green cheeks?"

Doctors keep telling us to get lots of fresh air, but they never tell us where to find it.

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Hope these made you smile today :)

Thanks to Coffee News, Fort Worth 9/21/09

Today's Humor: During Her Pregnancy

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.

"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."

Then the man in front of me piped up....

"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

Arcamax.com

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Today's Humor: Two Cats

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

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I love cats :)

Arcamax.com

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Today's Humor: Good Treatment

Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?".

"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk !".

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Today's Humor: Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly............

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband that the one she married!

Arcamax.com

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Today's Humor: Her New Twins

Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "

Sheli: " No, what about her?"

Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."

Sheli: "That is Impossible.! How did it happen?"

Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

Arcamax.com

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Today's Humor: Corned Beef

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.

"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."

"What is a Midnight Special?"

"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."

"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"

"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

Arcamax.com

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