Today's Humor: Dog...Owl...Bill...Pill

Pet Owner:  "Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner."

Veterinarian:  "That's perfectly normal; he is a boxer."

A wise old owl sat on an oak, the more he saw the less he spoke; the less he spoke the more he heard.

There is a pill for every ill, and a bill for every pill.

The rich invest; the smart investigate.

If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it feel better?

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Have a great day everyone!

Coffee News, Wylie Edition Jan. 2012

Something On The Lighter Side

Don't diet, download a virus to remove the FAT.

Discovering an incompetent co-worker in your group is like finding a gold nugget in your flower garden. It's free money without the burden of extra work.

When solutions catch up to problems, boredom takes over.

Income Tax: The entry fee for the rat race.

Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Coffee News, Wylie Jan. 14, 2011

Today's Humor: Signs You're "All Grown-Up Now"

-- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

-- 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

-- You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

-- You watch the Weather Channel.

-- Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

-- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

-- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

-- You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

-- You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

-- Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

-- Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

-- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

-- Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.

-- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

-- You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

-- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

-- You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

-- You read this entire list, looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, but, can't find one to save your life.

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: During Her Pregnancy

Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.

"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."

Then the man in front of me piped up....

"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."

Arcamax.com

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On The Lighter Side #7: Bilingual, Chi, Success

If at first you do not succeed, call it Version 1.0

A dog applied for a job with the foreign service and passed all the exams easily. "You will need to show you are bilingual, said the interviewer, "Miaow! said the dog.

Seek out the road to success, but do not be surprised if you find it is still under construction.

Chinese medicine is based in the principle that the body is charged wit hlife energy, called chi. That is why chihuahuas bark so much.

What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.

Obey gravity! It is the law.

Coffee News June 12, 2009

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Today's Humor: Clumsy Advertisement Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

Arcamax.com

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On The Lighter Side #10: Women, Intelligence, Money

You do not have to attend every argument you are invited to.

Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

If you would know the value of money, try to borrow some.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

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On The Lighter Side #9: On Living

Nothing travels faster that the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

It is amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Coffee News, Feb. 9, 2009

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On The Lighter Side #8: What Is The Purpose?

Warning of children's cough medicine: 'Do not drive car of operate machinery.'

Criticism would not be so hard to take if it were not so often right.

How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable."

The purpose of child's middle name is so he can tell when he is really in trouble.

Be happy with what you have. If you spend your life looking for greener pastures, you might find you are too old to climb the fence.

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On The Lighter Side #7: All In Nature?

Getting fired is nature's way of telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.

How much deeper would the ocean be if it did not contain any sponges?

A hotel is not like a home, but it is better than being a house guest.

All jobs are easy to the person who does not have to do them.

What do you do if you see a blue frog? Stop and cheer him up!

Every mile is two in winter.

Coffee News November 10, 2008

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On The Lighter Side #6: Personal Goal

Money is an excellent servant, but a horrible master.

The one time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it is holding a parking ticket.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Computers will never take the place of books. You cannot stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some do not turn up at all.

It is not how far you fall, but how high you bounce.

Coffee News August 8, 2008

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On The Lighter Side #5: Personal Matters

The length of a film should be directly related to the the endurance of the human bladder.

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

Consider the postage, my son. It secures success through its ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond.

Learn from the past - Live for today - Look for tomorrow - Take a nap this afternoon!

Take care of your body, it is the only place you have to live.

Coffee News July 4, 2008

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On the Lighter Side # 1: People Are Strange

It is okay to be nobody. Nobody is perfect.

A backward poet writes inverse.

The first rule of looking good: do not sneeze while somebody is cutting your hair.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

People are strange; they want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the center of attention.

Coffee News October 17, 2008

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