Weekly Humor: Weights

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: During A Lesson

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.

"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher

"A teacher!"

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I love my teachers.

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Drawing

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I am drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

"They will in a minute."

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Thought I Was, But I am Not

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I am Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I am Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Online Games

Be amused :)

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As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate.

One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.

"How old are you?" I typed.

"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"

Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."

Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: New TV

Just something to tickle your funny bones :)

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A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

Thanks to Arcamax.com

On The Lighter Side #9: Color In Your Cheeks

What is the difference between inventory and money?
- Money is the stuff you can get rid of.

A husband is someone who is under the impression that he "bosses" the house, when in reality, he "houses" the boss.

Middle age is when narrow waist and the broad mind begin to change places.

Mother: "Eat your spinach. It will put color in your cheeks."
Son: "Who wants green cheeks?"

Doctors keep telling us to get lots of fresh air, but they never tell us where to find it.

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Hope these made you smile today :)

Thanks to Coffee News, Fort Worth 9/21/09

Today's Humor: Marriage Quotes

Smile. It is Monday :)

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-- At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

-- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

-- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

-- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

-- Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

-- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

-- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.


Thanks to Arcamax.com

Today's Humor: Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, it may be the last decision he'll ever make.
- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a higher authority at home.
- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face
- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.
- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.
- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.
- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.
- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she thinks of him.
- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.
- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly............

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have been these very defects which prevented her from getting a better husband that the one she married!

Arcamax.com

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Today's Humor: Her New Twins

Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "

Sheli: " No, what about her?"

Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."

Sheli: "That is Impossible.! How did it happen?"

Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

Arcamax.com

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Today's Humor: Clumsy Advertisement Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.

Arcamax.com

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Today's Humor: Corned Beef

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered.

"Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special."

"What is a Midnight Special?"

"A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread."

"Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?"

"Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

Arcamax.com

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On The Lighter Side #8: What Is The Purpose?

Warning of children's cough medicine: 'Do not drive car of operate machinery.'

Criticism would not be so hard to take if it were not so often right.

How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable."

The purpose of child's middle name is so he can tell when he is really in trouble.

Be happy with what you have. If you spend your life looking for greener pastures, you might find you are too old to climb the fence.

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On The Lighter Side #7: All In Nature?

Getting fired is nature's way of telling you that you had the wrong job in the first place.

How much deeper would the ocean be if it did not contain any sponges?

A hotel is not like a home, but it is better than being a house guest.

All jobs are easy to the person who does not have to do them.

What do you do if you see a blue frog? Stop and cheer him up!

Every mile is two in winter.

Coffee News November 10, 2008

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On The Lighter Side #6: Personal Goal

Money is an excellent servant, but a horrible master.

The one time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it is holding a parking ticket.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Computers will never take the place of books. You cannot stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some do not turn up at all.

It is not how far you fall, but how high you bounce.

Coffee News August 8, 2008

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On The Lighter Side #4: Random Issues

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you do not understand.

People who speak more than they listen should consider how peculiar they would look if they had two mouths and one ear.

A little girl was explaining to her friend what it means to be adopted. "It means," she said, "that I grew in Mommy's heart, not in her tummy."

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On the Lighter Side #3: Duckumentaries, Screwdriver, Flat Minor

What do ducks do on television? Duckumentaries.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Does the screwdriver belong to Philip?

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.

Coffee News September 19, 2008

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On The Lighter Side #2: Heavy Questions, Light Answers

The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

Daylight Savings Time - why do they save it and where do they keep it?

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the dirt, and cross the road again? Because he was dirty, double crosser.

How do you keep cool at a football match? Sit by a fan.

Coffee News, September 5, 2008

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Share Us A Smile: No Drinking and Smoking

A Grandmother was talking to her young grandson, trying to explain the dangers of smoking. “Now Johnny,” she said, “you have to promise Grandma that, once you’re a grown man, you will never smoke, and never drink.”

“Never, Grandma?” asked little Johnny.

“Never, boy, not even once,” replied the grandmother.

With his eyes wide as saucers, Johnny asked “But won’t I get thirsty?”

Share Us A Smile: Don't Want To Make Her Think She's Welcome

Hello everybody! Let us start our week with a smile. I hope you will find this funny.
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Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."